Words I Couldn't Say
by amandajz
Summary: How is the real Johnny coping with his and Lulu's break-up? One-Shot


**This is just a little one-shot based on the song, **_**'Words I Couldn't Say' **_**by Rascal Flatts. ****I was listening to it when inspiration struck, so I just decided to go with it. The lyrics are in italics. I'm not sure how it turned out...it kind of feels all over the place to me. It's my take on how I think the real Johnny would cope with his and Lulu's break-up. Please let me know what you think.**

_**Words I Couldn't Say**_

_In a book in a box in the closet  
In a line in a song I once heard  
In a moment on a front porch late one June  
In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon_

If there was one common saying that Johnny Zacchara hated with a passion, it would have to be this one: _You don't know what you have until it's gone_. He didn't hate it because it was cliché, or because he heard it everywhere he turned, or because those close to him liked to analyze just what that saying meant every time he went to them for advice. No, Johnny hated those nine simple words for one reason and one reason only: because they were true. That one stupid line had become the reality of his life and he had lived through more experiences than he'd like to remember in which that saying held so much meaning.

His mother had died when he was just eight years old, and although he hadn't really understood what had happened to her back then, the pain and guilt he felt over her death was something that he carried with him every single day. She had been his safe haven when he was a child, always protecting him from his father's violent outbursts and telling him that he was the best thing that had ever happened to her while his father brushed him off as a mistake that never should have happened.

Although he hadn't understood it then, it hadn't taken Johnny very long to figure out why his father had killed his mother. Anthony had been aiming for _him_, but his mother had loved him so much that she had stepped in front of him, taking the bullet that was meant for _him_. His father had been so obsessed with Maria, and so jealous of the bond between her and Johnny, that he had somehow justified in his sick and twisted mind that killing his own son would be the answer. He hadn't anticipated that Maria would willingly give her life to save her son's though, and the fatal mistake of killing her had started a string of events that had undoubtedly changed Johnny forever.

_There it was at the tip of my fingers  
There it was on the tip of my tongue  
There you were and I had never been that far  
There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms  
And I let it all slip away_

Leaving his family and its cutthroat ways had been a decision that Johnny had made for himself and himself only. Sure, he had wanted to make Lulu proud of him by walking away from the only life he ever knew, but she hadn't been his only reason for wanting to dissect and cut out the poison that had invaded his life since he had been a child.

He had never wanted to be a part of the 'family business', as his father preferred to call it. The life of a mobster was violent, cruel, and unforgiving. You were forced to make decisions based on one-upping your opponent and sending a 'message', rather than taking the time to think things through and coming up with rash decisions that weren't against the law. You had to be quick on your feet and always ready to strike, not letting the guilt of the crimes you committed hold you back. And more importantly, once something was done, that was it. There was no going back and saying you didn't mean it or saying you were sorry. No remorse could be felt for the actions you had made and you had to accept the consequences that came along with each and every one of your decisions.

Johnny had never wanted a part of that life. He hadn't wanted to live his life in fear that his enemies were always watching his every move. He hadn't wanted the innocent people around him to pay for his choices and the choices of his family. He hadn't wanted those that he loved to be shielded from a normal life just because he was in a business in which bloodbaths occurred on a regular basis. He hadn't wanted one single part of that life, so he had done the one thing he had always swore to himself that he would someday accomplish; he had walked away.

Walking away from the only family he had ever known had been easier than he had thought it would be. He felt no regret for washing his hands of them or for wanting a better life for himself. However, actually living life outside of the mob was harder than he had ever anticipated. The money, the power, the respect, the superiority…every single perk that came along with being in the mob had been taken away from him and he had struggled to learn how to live life without all the material things that he had come to be so accustomed to. Sure, he hadn't wanted the life of violence…but that didn't mean that he hadn't wanted the life of luxury.

He had never really taken the time to weigh the advantages and disadvantages of being out of the mob against each other. He had walked away without a second thought, the true realization of his actions finally hitting him when it was too late. He had been a fool to believe that he could live a normal, safe life with Lulu. He was a Zacchara….his last name and the word 'normal' would never fit together.

He had thought that walking away from the mob would make his life so much better, but never in his life had he been more wrong. The day he had walked away was the day his whole life, his whole reason for living, began to crumble.

_There's a rain that'll never stop falling  
There's a wall that I've tried to take down  
What I should've said just wouldn't pass my lips  
So I held back and now we've come to this  
And it's too late now_

One of the very first mistakes he had made when leaving the mob was agreeing to move in with Maxie. A mistake greater than that was kissing that tramp because he thought it was best if he pushed Lulu away. That one idiotic lapse in judgment should have been enough of a red flag to make him realize that he was a heartless jackass that needed to change his ways immediately. But no, the mistakes just kept piling up. Agreeing to work for Crimson and be Maxie's escort, kissing Maxie in the back of the limo because he was drunk, telling lie after lie to Lulu, letting Maxie help him with the whole Ric situation…mistake, mistake, mistake! Almost every decision he had made since leaving the mob had been one big mistake, with the biggest mistake of them all being that he had let the one person that mattered most to him slip right through his fingers.

Lulu was everything to him. She had changed his view on his life, she had changed his view on love, she had changed _him_. She listened to him and believed in him when no one else did, she supported him no matter what, and rain or shine, she was always there when he needed her the most. She made him a better person…she made him want to be a better person. He loved her with every fiber of his being and that was something that would never change. She was the love of his life, but he had let her go and he wasn't sure if he'd ever be able to get her back.

_What do I do now that you're gone?  
No back up plan, no second chance  
No one else to blame_

Being involved in Michael's shooting was something that he wasn't proud of and it was certainly something that he never wanted Lulu to find out. She would be crushed if she were to come across the fact that he had been partly responsible for the state that her little cousin was currently in. He was in a permanently vegetative state, never even getting the chance to live the life that he should have been entitled to, and it was all because of Johnny. Sure, he wasn't responsible for setting up the hit and he never would have let it happen had he known that Michael was there, but that didn't mean that the guilt of what happened didn't weigh him down every single day of his life.

When Claudia had told him about the DVD's that Jerry sent her, Johnny's first response had been to push Lulu away. She would never look at him the same way again if she found out that he was involved with the hit that essentially took Michael's life. Lulu would hate him for what he had done, and she would have every right to never to speak to him again.

He had been certain that the truth would be surfacing at any moment, and not wanting Lulu to be blindsided by his foolish actions, he had done the one thing that he had set out to do since the mistakes began piling up: he had broke her heart.

The distance between them had been steadily growing since he had kissed Maxie in the garage, and unable to watch her apologize any longer for the mistakes she had thought she was making, he had finally taken the initiative to put all the blame on himself and told her that he wasn't in love with her anymore. He told Lulu about almost sleeping with Maxie and 'admitted' that he had strong feelings for her. It had nearly killed him to do it, but having Lulu think that he was nothing but an inconsiderate jerk who had been lying to her all along would just make it easier for her when she found out about his role in Michael's shooting. That was his reason for telling her that he had 'feelings' for Maxie…breaking Lulu's heart now would just save her that much heartache in the long run. As if he would ever have feelings for the girl that had ripped Lulu's heart apart more times than he could count!

After telling Lulu that he wanted to explore his feelings for Maxie, she had pretty much laughed in his face and said that he must be joking. He had wanted nothing more than to laugh right along with her and tell her that he was seriously delusional for even mentioning such a ridiculous fact, but he had kept his cool instead and his silence had been enough to confirm the fact that he 'wanted' Maxie. Lulu's face fell, her hand immediately connecting with his cheek as she tried to keep her tears at bay. She told him that she hoped that he and Maxie had a nice life because she was done with both of them. They deserved each other, she said, and they could both rot in hell for all she cared. She had then grabbed her purse and stormed out, not even bothering to throw him once last glance before slamming the door behind her. It was only after the door had slammed shut that Johnny had truly grasped the reality of what he had just done. His knees had given out underneath him and he had slowly sunk to the floor, his heart shattering in a million pieces as the tears began flowing freely down his face.

I_ should have found a way  
To tell you how I felt  
Now the only one I'm tellin' is myself_

Johnny knew that he couldn't go back and change history, but that still didn't stop him from wishing that he could somehow go back and make things different. Even if he couldn't change the outcome of the events that had torn his life apart, he still wanted nothing more than to be able to turn back the clock and tell his mother and Lulu exactly what he was feeling….he wanted to go back and tell the two most important women in his life the words he just couldn't bring himself to say.

Showing any form of emotion was a sign of weakness in his family, a fact that had been hammered into his head since the tender age of four. He was never to tell his father or his mother that he loved them…that would have been unacceptable in his father's eyes. Not wanting to disobey his father and face the wrath of violence that would undoubtedly occur if he did, Johnny had not once told his mother that he loved her since he had been four years old. Even when he was hovering over her cold, lifeless body, his eyes going wide with shock as the pool of blood surrounding her became bigger and bigger, did he tell her just how much she meant to him. He would give anything to go back and utter those three simple words to her.

But more than anything that he had ever wanted before in his life, Johnny wanted to go back and be honest with Lulu about everything. He wanted to tell her that he wasn't suited to be out of the mob and that as much as he didn't want to go back, he had to. He wanted to tell her about his role in Michael's shooting and that he hadn't meant for anything bad to happen to him…that he would have gladly taken the little boys place if he could have. He wanted to go back to the night he told her he didn't love her anymore and take back the words that had shattered both of their hearts. He wanted to tell her that he loved her and only her…that she was the only woman in his heart and that that's the way that it would always be. He wanted to tell her that Maxie was nothing to him….that he had absolutely no interest in that manipulative bitch. He wanted to get down on his knees and beg for her forgiveness while telling her that he had been a foolish idiot and that he would do anything to win back her trust. He wanted to tell her that he imagined a future with her and that he wanted to make her his wife one day....that he wanted to have babies with her and grow old with her. He wanted to tell her that he was most happy when she was in his arms and that he'd gladly never let her go if he could. And what he wanted to tell her most of all was that he wanted to spend every single minute of every single day for the rest of his life making her happy.

Why? Why had he been so stupid? Why had he let Lulu walk out of his life without explaining to her what was really going on? Why had he justified that it was okay to push her away and break her heart? Why did he do the one thing he swore he never would…why did he make her cry? And most importantly, why hadn't he tried to win her back yet?

Sinking further down into the booth where Lulu had nursed him back to health on the Haunted Star, Johnny sighed heavily and took another swig from the almost empty rum bottle that sat in front of him. He knew why he had let her go and he knew why he hadn't tried to win her back. He was nothing but a screw-up and he didn't deserve her or her love. He had put her through enough heartache already, and even if he were to beg for her forgiveness and she took him back, it would only be a matter of time before he did something stupid and broke her heart all over again. She was better off thinking that he wanted Maxie…she was better off thinking that he didn't love her anymore…she was better off without _him_.

Closing his eyes, Johnny once again resigned himself to the fact that he was destined to live a life alone. He would sacrifice his happiness to set Lulu free. Maybe one day he would be able to get himself together enough to be worthy of her love. But for now, he would have to settle for sleepless nights on the Haunted Star, with only the memories of what he and Lulu once had to keep him going. Until he could become the man that Lulu deserved, he would have to grow accustomed to lonely nights, with only the silence that surrounded him and the words that he had kept bottled up inside, to keep him company.

_And all I can hear in the silence that remains  
Are the words I couldn't say_

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_**Please review!**


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